Thank you for helping us effectively wash away our sorrows. Many Nigerians may not realize Star Lager is a Dutch product, but I do. For easing the nerves of Nigerians with our most popular brand of beer. I hope that nothing cracks as you move your things out of the EU. Thank you for staying even if your own relationship back at home has broken down and you are about to move out of your ex’s home. For the schools which make sure the children of our elite take over from where their parents stopped ruining us. For the projects which provide decent employment for our consultants and PhD’s and other development hustlers. For DFID without which most of our hospitals would crash. For keeping some of our key projects afloat. I am not saying you are secretly excited that Iran’s foothold in Nigeria is destroyed but, you know just when to look away boo. Think what a human rights disaster that would have been. Thank you also for not complaining too much about our president massacring hundreds of Shiites. Yes the flag may be dirty, but at least we tried. You will see your flag flying in most big hotels in the cities. Really urban radio stations would be dead without you. Also, thank you for that accent that our radio presenters across the country try so desperately to copy. Thank you for sometimes stepping in and telling our president what to do even though you have your own madman threatening to take over and fuck Muslims and Mexicans up. For always recieving our president when he runs to beg for your support. I want to thank all of the countries and entities that keep us afloat, without which we would be a shell of a country. So I have decided to come in, like I often do on independence day. I have waited for president Buhari to be show appropriate gratitude and have heard nothing of substance. But especially since we have crossed the life expectancy of the average Nigerian, we need to be thankful.
It is a weird, nondescript age to be throwing a big party.
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